Crazy people talk
A doctor of psychology was doing his normal morning rounds when he entered a patient's room. He found Patient #1 sitting on the floor, pretending to saw a piece of wood in half.
Patient #2 was hanging from the ceiling, by his feet.
The doctor asked patient number 1 what he was doing. The patient replied, "Can't you see I,m sawing this piece of wood in half?" The doctor inquired of Patient #1 what Patient #2 was doing. Patient #1 replied, "Oh. He's my friend, but he's a little crazy. He thinks he's a lightbulb." The doctor looks up and notices Patient #2's face is going all red.
The doctor asks Patient #1, "If he's your friend, you should get him down from there before he hurts himself"
Patient #1 replies, "What? And work in the dark?"
Answering machine message
I am gathering the world's largest collection of responses to an answering machine. If you would like to help, please leave a notarized copy of your name, number, and today's date at the sound of the beep. When I,m famous I,ll remember all the little people like you that helped me achieve my greatness. I might even include you in my memoirs.
Top Things You Dont Want to hear Over an Airlplane
1. Ocean crossing flight: This is your Captain speaking, I just wanted to take this time to remind you that your seat cushions can be used as floatation devices.
2. Hey folks, we`re going to play a little game of geography trivia. If you can recognize where we are, tell your flight attendant and receive an extra pack of peanuts.
3. Our loss of altitude allows a unique close up perspective of the local terrain. I assure you that it`s all part of our airline`s new commitment to make your a flight a sight seeing extravaganza.
4. Goose! Bogey at 2 o`clock....one on our tail!!!! Eject!!!! Eject!!!!!!!
5. Ummmmmm....Sorry......(silence)
6. (As the plane turns around right after takeoff)....uhhhhh....we have to go back ....we ..we ....uhhhhhh ....forgot something.....
7. I`m sure everyone noticed the loss of an engine, however the reduction in weight and drag will mean we`ll be flying much more efficiently now.
8. Fasten your seat belt. (same tone your friend with the suicidal driving tendencies uses when you get in the car).
9. This is your Captain speaking....these stupid planes are a lot different than the ships I`m used to.. so you`ll have to give me some leeway...
10. It would be a good idea if right now everyone closed their shades and watched the in-flight movie.
11. We`ve now reached our cruising altitude of 20,000 feet and ... Oh noooooooo!!!!!..
12. Don`t worry! That one is always on E...
13. Get the parachutes ready...
14. Drinks are on me...
15. I`ll have what the Captain`s having...
16. Hey capt`n take another hit man...
Buy machine factory
An American manufacturer is showing his machine factory to a potential customer from Albania. At noon, when the lunch whistle blows, two thousand men and women immediately stop work and leave the building.
"Your workers, they,re escaping!" cries the visitor. "You,ve got to stop them."
"Don't worry, they,ll be back," says the American. And indeed, at exactly one o,clock the whistle blows again, and all the workers return from their break.
When the tour is over, the manufacturer turns to his guest and says, "Well, now, which of these machines would you like to order?"
"Forget the machines," says the visitor. "How much do you want for that whistle?"
Traffic Violation
A cop pulls over a man for speeding and running a red light. The cop says "Do you know that you were speeding?"
The fellow says "No sir, I was not speeding."
Just then his wife leans over and says "Actually you were going 90 mph."
The cop says "Do you know that you ran a red light?"
The fellow replies "No sir, I think the light was yellow."
His wife leans over and says "That light was red well before we entered the intersection."
The cop asks "Do you two always fight this much?"
And the wife says ..."Only when he's drunk."
Subject: daily jokes 
Mon Jan 11, 2010 7:33 pm
